Your budget should be a blueprint that shapes your future spending decisions, a birds-eye view. A ledger, meanwhile, is up-close-and-personal.  ~ Paula Pant  

I open this clean ledger,

fumble a bottle of kombucha

spluttering out

in this fizzing confusion.

Staining the page with

I’m sad.  Grief lodging in my lungs

like a tight vise, and it’s

difficult to breathe.  And I’m so scared

my throat has closed.

Mad because it doesn’t matter

how hard I try, once again

I’ve offered my heart

and it’s dropping

in a messy splatter.

I need love,

to give and receive,

and I need a budget,

to pay myself first.

I’ll give myself coupons

and redeem them right away,

good for one heart-to-heart.

Except it’s in relational space

where we have to pay, 

as we reveal the cost of our outlays.

I frame my days

sit in quiet space

like a blueprint for the future,

then carry this spaciousness

back into the world

of hardhitting, venom-spitting

beings in exquisite agony

asking me for more.

And I consult my indubitable

records, determine how much

I can give

and how I can empower

myself, modeling exactly

what I want most for all

of you:  even in the electric

fury of these storms,

dancing on that inner balance.

Inspired by:  Indubitable, Electric, Fumble

Published by

Victoria Stuart

I'm a poet, philosopher and inner seeker. A giver, lover and a healer who studies the heart.

8 thoughts on “Unbalanced”

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